first things first

The day has come that I begin to focus on myself. Yes, of course these things have their way of coming to fruition.. mainly, once again its about weight loss. But, so much more than that.. because I think what needs to pave the way, is beginning to care enough about how I think and feel about myself. I haven't taken the time for these things, maybe because of fear, maybe laziness, or maybe out of the pain i know it may cause inside my soul. But, the pain that my soul has felt on a daily basis from being neglected is far more than clearing out the past will ever do to me. I have this insatiable need to be loved. To be cared for by others. But the more I yearn for that, the more I can see and feel that there is no one in the world besides myself that can give that to me. It doesn't mean the epiphany comes with being able to completely let that go. I still want people to like me.. I want them to think I am wonderful. I want to be loved completely... but, I don't think I can learn to see it until I know that I am valuable enough to have it. Weight loss comes with so many obstacles for me. Firstly, I don't even know what goal to make for myself. My heart of hearts knows that I should weigh 170. But the thought of losing that much weight.. (or honestly, to be ABLE to) causes me to panic. Yeah, I know that it really needs to come one pound at at time. But when the pounds don't even come off, let alone one at a time, it is disheartening. Do I deserve to feel good? Do I deserve to be able to lose that much weight? The answer to anyone I talk to is yes of course you do.. why? Becuase you create your own destiny... but, the truth of the matter is, they aren't the ones that have to come to the realization that I have to get my ass out of bed, put on my tennis shoes, and just move. Move what I am ashamed of, love the body that has caused me so much inner turmoil. Bring myself to feel physical pain my excercising will bring. The emotion that comes with sweating these ever lasting pounds I have held on to for so long. And so, it begins......